Thursday, March 9, 2017

Osciallting thoughts

When I read this article by Kim Zapata (source www.babble.com) I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was as if she has ripped my heart out with those words and what I have been going through almost everyday for the past few months. Every time I see a brother protecting his sister from falling, every time a girl shares a FB post and tags her sister about the bond they share, every time a see a baby being smothered by kisses by her elder brother, my heart aches. My husband and I again go through the pros and cons and after a couple of days of struggling views, push the thought back, yet again. I am not sure if we'll ever go ahead with the decision, if we'll ever take the plunge, but when I read this today, I couldn't help but share it on my blog to remind me after a few years, in case we don't go for it, the struggles of my heart and mind, the oscillating thoughts and the heart ache of a mom who feels incomplete. Sasha - please forgive me if we are not able to give you a friend in the form of a brother or sister, to help you understand the bonds of a sibling, for the lifelong support that many share and a beautiful family of four that fills many a photo frame.

Dear Little One,
I should probably start by saying that I’m not pregnant with you and I’m not having you. At least not anytime soon. At least not yet.
Make no mistake: I want to have you. For months now, I have dreamed of carrying your little body close - of tickling your toes and holding your little hand in mine. I have spent many hours trying to imagine what it would feel like to conceive you and carry you and hear your heartbeat for the very first time. I’ve puffed out my stomach and arched my back, wondering what I would look like; wondering what I would feel like. And I’ve spent hours talking with my husband (and your father) about why now is the right time - or the best time - to have you.
I’m trying to convince him why we should transform our trio into a family of four.
Yet even though I am “ready” - ready to carry you and nurture you and to have a second child - I am still terrified. I am still scared to death. Because things didn’t go as planned with your sister. Shortly after she was born, I struggled. I struggled mentally and emotionally. We - as a family - struggled financially. Your father and I struggled with our relationship. One day I nearly walked out; one day I asked for a divorce.
Depression nearly destroyed me. Postpartum depression nearly took my life.
And while that, in an of itself, is a damn good reason to be frightened and afraid, it isn’t postpartum depression that scares me most this time around. (Not anymore, at least.) No, this time, the fear is all about me, and my own personal inadequacies.
You see, selfishly I am afraid that if - and when - I have you I will become angry and resentful, because there is not enough of me to go around. Right now, with your sister, there is already not enough of me to go around.
I worry that in having you, I will have to make a difficult choice: I will have to put you in daycare much younger than your sister or I will have to sacrifice my job - the career of my dreams and the career I fought for an entire decade to obtain.
I’m afraid that I’ll be so exhausted and stressed that I’ll take it out on you, or on your sister.
I’m afraid that, if the PPD returns, I won’t be good enough or “well enough” to care of you.
I won’t be the mother you need or deserve.
I’m afraid that your sister’s antics - being an older, outgoing, and a risk-taking toddler — may cause me to miss out on your childhood. I will cover my eyes and count to 20, but when I remove my hands you will be crawling. Before I find your sister, during our never-ending game of hide and seek, you will be walking. And then you will be grown.
I’ll mourn the memories we never made.



Friday, April 25, 2014

Spin the Globe

I once dreamt of travelling the world,
See in real what the tabloid boasted off.
Big wide roads and cool shopping malls,
A life many dont get to see.

Out of the blue
My stars started to grace me.
I took up to the sky
Flying like a cuckoo.

From east to west,
I underwent a change I never imagined.
Tall towers and lovely beaches,
meeting people and funny creatures.

The introvert became a tourer
Learning more about different cultures
Then she met the man of her dreams
Now I call for bookings and say "for two" :)



The Incomplete post #1

Here is a post I found in my drafts today: 

Since the time that G & I got to know that we are going to have a third member in the family, I have been meaning to write a post about our feelings and the amazing journey we'll be taking together - capture few emotions in words worth reading after years!

It was the first month of the new year, day 17, I can never take those 2 pink lines out of my head :) felt so surreal and G had tears in his eyes. It was every couples dream, every parents wish to hear that they are going to become grandparents - grand news indeed for all family n friends! We decided to keep the news amongst immediate family till the 1st trimester went smooth. Mugdha Parasnis - our OB advised us to go for the first sono after 2 weeks.

The first trimester was a mix of nausea, giddiness and frequent visit to the loo'se ;) but overall went faster than I daunted.



My Inspiration

When I opened my blog site today (after what seems like a decade) to share it with a friend , I realised that the last post was written by me in Jan 2012 - that's exactly when I got to know I am pregnant :)

I thought it's time to get back to writing and what more do I need for inspiration than my beautiful angle Sasha! She turned one last September and the times been flying like a Boeing aircraft and I feel like a passenger in it without a seat belt.

It seems like just yesterday that she was born and today she is stacking dabbas in the kitchen and calling out my name like a cute little bunny. Seeing God's miracle everyday firsthand is what makes people have kids, I guess. Cause who would otherwise want to sign up for a year long sleepless night shift ;)

 
Right now I am juggling between office work, house keeping, photoshoots, editing work, album designing and the most important being a mother. All this is possible cause of my hubby Glenn, my spine and my to whom I everyday whine ;) I hope I continue to post my thoughts here from time to time so that years later when I sit and read these with my daughter, I can share a good laugh and a soulful tear with her. Thank you Almighty to have blessed me with such a beautiful life!




Friday, January 13, 2012

Ten Things That We Will/Won’t Miss In 2012


Looking back, 2011 was surely a year full of wax and wane, creating history that will be studied by our future generation. As we come to an end to the first month of 2012, lets ponder over a few events and muse over personalities that/whom we will and will not be missing in this Year of the Dragon
           

 First let’s cover the events that left a deep impact on us and will always be remembered with a scar. 

People who we wish never reappear:
            
            Apart from Voldemort, we will certainly not be missing the departure of Col.Muammar Gaddafi and the terrorist that shook the US of A, Osama Bin Laden. 

History was made when protests led to the resignations of the Tunisian and Egyptian presidents, and when UN-sanctioned Nato air strikes helped Libyan rebels overthrow Muammar Gaddafi’s brutal dictatorship. Gaddafi’s capture and death on Oct 20th at his hometown Sirte, Libya, at the hands of the rebels closed a long and dark chapter in the country’s history.
Another black chapter came to an end in the early morning hours of May 2, 2011. A nearly decade-long search for the world's most wanted terrorist came to an end - Al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden was killed in a US operation in Pakistan in May in a mansion outside the capital of Islamabad. 

Events we wish never happened:
             
              2011 was also known as the year of disasters. With historic floods, droughts, and tornadoes, this year has broken the record for the number of billion-dollar calamities. 8.9 magnitude earthquake struck Japan on March 11, 2011 triggering tsunami alert along Japan’s Pacific Coast and to at least 20 countries. This largest tsunami catastrophe was the worst history of earthquake in Japan but what’s creating more global concern is the possibility of the leaking radiation to the air following the explosion of two nuclear plants in Fukushima, Japan. From January 1-31, earthquakes hit Argentina, Chile, Iran, Pakistan, Tajikistan, and Tonga. By the following month that was from February 4-21, earthquakes struck Burma, Solomon Islands, Tonga, Sulawesi, Fiji and New Zealand.

 
            As if nature’s fury wasn’t enough to wound us all, Anders Behring Breivik, shot 69 people, in a summer camp in Oslo, Norway. He said his actions were ‘atrocious but necessary’. In Nov, the court-appointed experts ruled him criminally insane.
Now let’s talk about those events & people that we will be missing for years to come. 

People who we wish were immortal:
             
            As some say, 2011 was a year when music died. Shammi ji and Dev Anand were the charmers of 60’s and 70’s. Bollywood can boast of songs that were composed, sung and picturized on these two heroes even today. We also lost the Ghazal maestro Jagjit Singh to the after-world. The singer struggled with a brain haemorrhage for 17 days before he breathed his last on October 10. He mesmerised music lovers for over four decades with his soul stirring numbers. 

The music world lost a few more of its gems with Amy Winehouse, Pandit Bhimsen Joshi (one of the greatest legends of Indian classical music and the oldest living exponent of the Kirana Gharana), the soulful voice of Ustad Sultan Khan and the legendary singer-composer and the most iconic figures from Assam, Bhupen Hazarika.
On the other side of the world, millions mourned the death of Apple’s visionary Steve Jobs. One of the greatest CEOs of his generation, Steve Jobs died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 56. His death gave us a chance to reflect upon what a great corporate leader can do to the world of technology.

Events we wish could be frozen in time:
             
            Without doubt almost every Indian will never forget this year as Dhoni and his team bought back the World cup to India after 28 years. Co-hosted by India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka, the World Cup eclipsed every other event between the 19th of February and the 2nd of April this year. The fact that India won the Cup on home soil was the perfect icing on the cake. The whole nation was euphoric and Indians from all over the globe were on the streets celebrating joyously.

 
            One massive event happened on April 29th - the British Royal Wedding between Prince William and Catherine Middleton. After months of top-secret planning, the invitations were mailed, the details finalized, and the big day arrived. For estimated 2.4 billion people watching the royal wedding, it was definitely the wedding of the year, probably even the decade! 


            Apart from these a few more events on a positive note include Anna Hazare’s rise to bring corruption to an end with his Lokpal campaign, F1 Indian Grand Prix Race coming to India, Sachin breaking another record to score 15000 runs in Test cricket, the world’s cheapest tablet PC Akash launched in India and a medical breakthrough with All Indian Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS) creating a new drug called Naringin, for treating Alzheimer`s disease.



Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Blind with eyes open





You tune out when they need you the most
Can't you see the fragile hands?
Can't you see the pain behind the frame?

Too busy to underpin, you let them take support of peglegs
Have you forgotten the time when he gushed you on your first step?
Have you forgotten the days when he was the gladdest dad watching you crawl and run?

Keeping them happy in a swish house full of likewise geezerhoods,
Is similar to providing freedom to a bird in cage.
All they ask for is some time worthwhile, not seeing you turn guile
So open those eyes, wake up and foster those dry leaves. 





Thursday, October 6, 2011

What's with the staring?



Have you ever tried to dress differently in a crowd? Be it going in shorts for a movie in chinchwad, wearing a singlet top at laxmi road or even a summer dress at MG road? I bet you'll get more stares than Rajni and Shahrukh together! Esp from the fairer sex. And I am not talking about revealing clothes or way out of the ordinary - just simple attires but a little non-desi. I sometimes avoid them but nowadays can't help but stare back at them and sometimes even ask "Is something wrong?"

It's one thing to check-out what's in and who's wearing what but these arn't those. These are more like "How can you wear this?" or "which country did you buy THAT from?" It really bugs me and I even tried to ask my friends if they get the same kinda gaze and yes, they do too! It's disappointing that this happens more often in India than any other country. Have we not heard the term 'Minding your business'?

So if any one of you fall under the lot of 'gazers' please enlighten me on why do you stare so much or you truly not aware that you are gapping at a girl awkwardly? Wonder what Lady Gaga thinks about this!




 
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